We wanted the freedom to love. We wanted the freedom to choose. Now we have to fight for it. —Requiem
Happiness. Big word.
I am always in love
with the thought of
How the ocean
and the sky meets
in a landscape
How the sun
and the moon
cross through eclipses
It was on a Monday. I was on my way to the city—not to work but to take the bus to the North.
Pampanga is one of those places I can call home. It was my first time going there on weekdays. It has always been a quick visit on weekends, a day or two. Now that Junice and I got ourselves another soul that as passionate but just as sad as ours, two days became three. Two people became three.
2018년 01월 16일
It’s the first time in years that I heard someone looked out (or asked) for a sign. I stopped doing that myself. I believe in choices now more than anything. But, was it your sign? Was it meant to happen? It was, right? Other people’s choices and decisions can be anyone’s fate. Ripple effect. It was a good fall of domino. I was grateful.
We almost gave up finding you the balloons. We tried yesterday but every store was either closed or they didn’t have the ones that fly. We need to reach the heavens. We want to reach you. Somehow. In any way.
When the lady said that they have balloons with helium, I wanted to cry. I’ve always wanted to fly one for you but I didn’t get the chance. Until tonight. I think I got the courage because I was with my soul sisters. You have no idea how much you have drawn us more into each other. You are the one who weave us even more—heart, mind, body and soul. You are our greatest vessel of hope.
We stopped by in an open field in Pampanga. It was so dark. Junice put the car in hazard. All three balloons got tangled at the back of the car. We struggled so much with it but that’s nothing compared to all the things you had been through. I think I heard a crying kitten somewhere. Its pain echoed in the darkness. I think it could feel what was about to happen.
As we try to untangle the strings, Mel fished out her mini notebook for us to write something for you. I took the first turn. I kept it short. I’ve written what I wrote before. I couldn’t think of anything else. I couldn’t think of more. Maybe that’s why I’m writing this now. I know I wanted to write more. Then, it was Mel’s turn. Then, Junice. She took the longest time. We didn’t tell each other about our parting words. Those words are only meant for you.
We were finally able to get a balloon for each. My hands are already shaking when I tried to tie the rolled paper to the string. The wind wasn’t helping. It was so strong. I was afraid I would accidentally lose grip of the string. I know I wanted to let go. But, not just yet. It still hurts so much. I just don’t want to be sad anymore. I want to be happy and be thankful that you are probably no longer hurting. That’s just what I want—for you to finally be able to free yourself from all the heartaches. You deserve nothing but peace.
We agreed to let go in the count of three.
I feel like sometimes, people should be respected just for being alive and existing.