We wanted the freedom to love. We wanted the freedom to choose. Now we have to fight for it. —Requiem
she dwells above the cloudbanks
each mass forms heavy raindrops
she grows sunflowers with her tears
until there’s a whole garden of fears
All my life, I keep saying I’m lost. I keep saying I don’t know where I’m going; I don’t know who I am or I don’t know who I should be. Society has always been there to tell us what to do; to tell us who to be. Life itself throws shit at us whenever it feels like it. The truth is, I know where I want to go. It’s just that sometimes, the roads are blocked and I’m too dejected to find another path. The truth is, I know who I am. It’s just that sometimes, I’m too afraid to let people see through me because I’m scared they wouldn’t like me for me. I know who I should be; who I want to be.
I realized that I feel lost because I always choose to live inside the books instead of making my own story. I always say it’s my escape from reality. How can I live to the fullest if I keep running away from the life I’m supposed to live?
Junice: You must be brave when you fall in love. ‘Cause you give him the power to break your entire being.
Vienna: It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by him. TFIOS reference! He’s worth it. I know I won’t be bitter whatsoever if this ends (again) badly.
Junice: Even with yourself? Like maybe there’s something you should’ve done. I’m like that. I don’t know, I blame myself so I ended up being bitter to myself. This is my dilemma. He’s worth it but then my mind would be like: “Don’t think about that. You don’t know what the future holds.” Then I’ll be “Just be happy.”It’s like my ego and super ego are fighting.
Vienna: Not even with myself. I’m too much and not enough at the same time. I’ve learned so much when Pol and I broke up then. I can’t blame myself because I know I’m a good girlfriend (you know it! Hahaha!) but I can’t blame him either if he thinks I’m not good enough. You can’t blame things for not working out the way we want it to. I get easily stressed out so I’m slowly learning how to detach from this and that.
When a relationship ends, and you are the one who got left behind, tendency is that you question yourself: “Wasn’t I good enough?”, “Is there something I should have done?” Or shouldn’t have, for that matter. I know exactly how it feels like. It’s like your self-worth got beaten up badly. But then I realized why should you be bitter over a past relationship? It made you happy once. It taught you something. You meet someone for a reason. It will always be a part of you. Isn’t it what love does? It makes you then it breaks you. To love is to destroy. You just have to learn how to detach yourself from the things that no longer let you grow. Detach yourself from the things that no longer serve you happiness. Free yourself.
“Detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That’s how you are able to leave it.”
— Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom