I feel like sometimes, people should be respected just for being alive and existing.
I will take your anxiety away
I will tuck you in at night—
and wish you a sound sound slumber.
I will take the dark clouds away
to draw sunshine above your head—
and paint spring into your sad sad soul.
Hi, friends ~
It’s been a while. I’m not really in my best state right now and I’d hate to send you the vibe but I really have to write it down, this blog being my outlet and all. Please bear with me just this once.
I woke up late. I didn’t necessarily feel lazy but my muscles weigh so heavy. Particularly my arms—from elbow to my hands. They felt numb. I had to wring them many times. My legs were wobbly. I was gonna be late for work. Could I care less? Should I care less? I sleep with multiple pillows but I still don’t feel comfort. Am I depressed? Maybe;
I was catching up with friends. Coffee tastes better when you have it with the best people. We were having a good laugh when I suddenly felt claustrophobic. They asked if everything’s okay. I was fine. I was, really. But it surprisingly didn’t feel like it?? I couldn’t understand. My eyes felt misty. I excused myself to go to the loo. Am I depressed? Maybe;
It was late at night. She called me telling me she’s wandering around, feeling lost; that she was sad; that she was left out; that she was hurting so bad. She asked what would happen if she jumped off the bridge. I wanted to scream at her and tell her it’s gonna be okay. But how do you make someone believe it when you yourself couldn’t seem to believe it either? Is it better to lie? Can you consider it as a white lie? Would it help? She cried and all I could do was listen. The line broke. I was scared to death. I was afraid for her life more than my own. Is she depressed? Maybe;
He messaged me because he didn’t want to tell his friends that he was sad again. He’s a guy after all. What a bunch of sexist. He didn’t want to be such a bother anymore but he wanted to talk to someone. I was glad he reached out but I felt bad that he was down. His parents always fight and he was afraid they might get divorced. I knew what it felt like and it terrified me. I even prayed that they don’t because it will devastate him. It wrecked me. He wanted to move out and be anywhere but home. Is he depressed? Maybe;
His name popped up on my screen. He asked if I was busy. He said his parents would never understand him. He chose the course they didn’t like but it makes him happy. He’s doing well in school. “Why is it so hard for them to support something I’m happy about? Don’t they want me to be happy?” I told him maybe he just needs to talk to them. But he already did, a lot of times, but, nothing has changed. He felt like all he does is wrong for them. He asked would it be better if he just end his life? He didn’t reply after that. My soul went out of my body. If only I had said the right things. Is he depressed? Maybe;
She cried when she found out the her boyfriend was making fun of her anxiety to his friends. He told her he understands but told his friends that “I’m just acting up”. It’s all in the mind, he said. She was brokenhearted. I was angry. I was so fucking angry. No one has the right to invalidate your mental health. It is real. There’s always a scientific reason behind it. You don’t make it up.
I don’t care if you are simply sad about missing your favorite show or losing your favorite bracelet or your anxious about going out or your tomorrow’s board exam, you have all the right to feel it. We have to acknowledge our own feelings so we can tend to it. That’s how we fight it.
Am I depressed? Maybe. Do I want to kill myself? Yes and no. Yes, sometimes it feels like the only way to end the pain is by taking my own life. Sometimes, it feels like the only solution to the problem is to die. Period. But no, I don’t want to leave my parents in shock. I don’t want my friends to live in horror. I don’t want anyone to blame themselves thinking they could have done something to change my mind. Until the end, I’m thinking of other people. I am so so so tired. But as always, it’s better to burn out than to fade away.
Do I want these thoughts? No. That’s why I’m trying so hard to survive. Do I want the pain to end? Definitely. Do I want to live? YES. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am depressed; that I am struggling; that I am fighting.
🇵🇭 Philippines HOPEline:
804 – HOPE (4673) | 0917 – 558 – HOPE (4673)
FOR EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD:
Albania: 127 | Argentina: (54-11) 4758-2554 | Australia: 13 11 14 |Austria: 142
Barbados: (246) 4299999 | Belgium: 106 | Botswana: 3911270 | Brazil: +55 51 211 2888
Canada – Greater Vancouver: 604-872-3311 / Toll free-Howe Sound/Sunshine Coast:18666613311 / TTY: 1-866-872-0113 / BC-wide: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) | China: 0800-810-1117 ; (Mobile/IP/extension users): 010-8295-1332 | Croatia: (01) 4833-888 | Cyprus: +357 77 77 72 67
Denmark: +45 70 201 201
Estonia: 126 / 127 / 646 6666
Fiji: 679 670565 / 679 674364 | Finland: 01019-0071 | France: (+33) (0)9 51 11 61 30
Germany: 0800 1110 111 / 0800 1110 222 / 0800 1110 333 | Ghana: 233 244 846 701 | Greece: (0) 30 210 34 17 164
Hungary: (46) 323 888
India: 2549 7777 Ireland (1): +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 / +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 / 1850 60 90 90 / 1850 60 90 91 | Israel: 1201 | Italy: 199 284 284
Japan: 03 5774 0992 / 03 3498 0231
Kenya: +254 20 3000378 / 2051323
Liberia: 06534308 | Lithuania: 8-800 2 8888
Malaysia: (063) 92850039 / (063) 92850279 / (063) 92850049 | Malta: 179 | Mauritius:(230) 800 93 93
Namibia: (09264) 61-232-221 | Netherlands: 0900-0767 | New Zealand (1): (09) 522 2999 / 0800 111 777 | Norway: +47 815 33 300
Papua New Guinea: 675 326 0011 | Poland: +48 527 00 00 / +48 89 92 88 | Portugal: (808) 200 204
Samoa: 32000 | Serbia: 32000 | Singapore: 1800- 221 4444 | South Africa: 0861 322 322 | Sweden: 020 22 00 60 / 020 22 00 70 | Switzerland: 143
Thailand: (02) 713-6793
Ukraine: 058 | United Kingdom: 08457 909090 / +44 1603 611311 / +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 / 1850 60 90 90 / 1850 60 90 91 | United States of America: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Zimbabwe: (263) 09 65000 / 0800 9102
I know I don’t have all the countries covered so please add yours in the comment below (or if I got it wrong)
FIGHT THE STIGMA.
There are many ways to die. There can be one reason to live and that’s enough for you to go on.
It’s World Suicide Prevention Day and I wrote something for you.
This is not to trigger anyone. This is to spread awareness.
This is my bleeding heart but hopeful soul. Please stay clean with me.