“I lost my will to blog” – I tweeted this yesterday, so I thought I’d write down what I really feel and think about it, and hoping that I can gather my thoughts, and maybe insights from you as well.
I don’t know when it started. I already posted a couple of my thoughts about this, but I’ve been going back and forth and been inconsistently writing for the past year (?). It is like I’m back on how I lost my reading streak all over again, which by the way, I still haven’t gotten back. I’m afraid it is already buried deep.
I am not in writer’s block if that is what you are thinking. You may also think that I am over thinking about the whole blogging thing that I am overwhelmed by it; hence, the blockage. The thing is, I don’t think of it anymore. At all. I have all the ideas what to put here, but I don’t know why I don’t have the will to write everything down. I set intentions, even goals, for my blogging this year. It all kind of went out of the window as soon as the year started. Before, I really make time for this. No excuses. I will write anything, but maybe that’s when I lost it. I just write, without a purpose. I just write to release. While that is a purpose in itself, it only benefits me. It is different reaching out to people and have your words make its impact, touching other’s heartstrings. I lost that magic, I believe. So maybe—just maybe—I am discouraged. I want my writings to be useful if you know what I mean.
It easy to say to just write your heart out. What if you don’t like what’s in your heart at the moment? Or even your mind? What do you do?
Okay. Maybe, I am overthinking, but not about the blog; it is more on why I don’t want to blog. There’s a difference. I’m just trying to go through my thoughts here as raw as it could possibly get while I write this. My fingers are running 36,373 mph trying to keep up with my brain.
But since we are on another month, maybe I’ll try again? It’s not like I want to give this up completely. I can’t. I have my heart and soul in this. Maybe I stopped trying instead of trying too hard. I just have to try enough, right?
Also, it is one thing that I am swamped now. There are so many things happening, career-wise. So maybe, that’s one, too. I even got back to my personal accounts. I am done isolating myself, a year is enough. I gathered my shit and started reaching out to my friends again. It is draining, I must admit. I forgot how I am surrounded by too many people. I forgot how sociable I was. I can’t remember that version of me. LOL So, maybe it is that, too. I love human connections, don’t get me wrong, but solitude is something else.
Maybe if I will stop for a while, breathe a little, and shut out the world again for a moment, I can start to write the way I want to and the way I’m supposed to.
「DISCLAIMER: featured image > Wheat Field with Cypresses by Vincent Van Gogh, 1889. © Wikimedia Commons」
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