la tristesse durera toujours
I just heard from my cousins that their dog passed away and I felt it. I was just playing with him last night. C has been quiet the past days and not in his usual self. My last words to him was “Uwi ka na.” [Go home] as I urged him inside my cousin’s house. I didn’t mean that home, C.
I’m not taking this well. The morning was already bad as it is. Earlier this month, I lost my cat. Two losses in a span of a month. It’s tiring.
This is why I stopped caring for pets because it’s hard to let go. It started when I was a kid and I lost my first cat. I thought it would be easier to have birds instead, but nah. I don’t want to feel any attachment again towards animals (or humans ha ha I just want to be alone). Within 8 months, I lost a grandmother, an uncle, a friend, a co-worker, a singer—as if life is one big loop. Things just keep on repeating on itself and it’s tiring.
People keep saying that we will be happy again; that there are better days ahead. Well, obviously. But, sadness lasts more than happiness ever does. We collect and create these happy moments just to be sad about them later on. These happy moments turn into sad memories. It is nostalgic. It keeps you wanting to go back in time and just live there. Sadly, we can’t because we need to keep moving forward. It’s tiring.
I hate how I feel all these emotions while it is actually happening, after it happened—even years after. Maybe Van Gogh is right after all, sadness will last forever. You want happiness? You have to pay for it—sadness. You want success? You have to pay for it—struggles. We always need to pay the price. It’s tiring.
It is a loop, isn’t it? It makes sense in the form of thermodynamics: “matter and energy cannot be created or destroyed.” We are everything and all these things that we know. Are you familiar with The Egg? “Every time you victimized someone, you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.” The world is heavy because everything is just restored. Nothing really goes away. It’s tiring.
It is a loop and there is no escape. There is no way out. Unless the egg cracks and life gets destroyed. But then again, we can’t be destroyed because we are the matter and the energy. So, what does it make us? And please, do not make me start with Neitzsche’s eternal recurrence. It’s tiring.
I keep on feeling and thinking. It’s tiring.