I met up with a friend last night and she said she’s going to the church. I’ve already mentioned before that I stopped doing Catholic practices but I still go to the chapel sometimes when I want some peace of mind. Last night, I went.
I laughed to myself when I did the sign of the cross. I thought I already got rid of that habit. I used to do it whenever I pass by a church or when I pray which I rarely do now. It is really hard to break that, I guess.
For no particular reason, I kept saying thank you. I don’t know. Maybe because I do not want to ask anything anymore. I feel like I already asked too much, but I always break my promises so I just stopped.
I said, “I still believe in You.” Then, I thought: why? Why do I believe when I do not even want to take part in a religion? I remember this part from The Sun Is Also A Star:
“I don’t believe in love.”
“It’s not a religion,” he says. “It exists whether you believe in it or not.”
I realized that God is Love and I don’t really need a religion.
I thought that maybe we just engage ourselves in different beliefs because it gives us a sense of humanity; a sense of belonging; something to hold on to perhaps? We want to believe that we are in control of our lives. Ironically, we say it is God’s plan. Isn’t it funny that you want to have this control over your life but then you ask God what is happening when things start to not go according to your plan? So, when things go wrong, it is God’s plan? I think that is ridiculous. I mean, if you want to believe it is all you—your decisions and your choices—then stop dragging God on it.
Maybe that is also why I stopped asking for help even though I really need it. I just find it unfair to let God save my ass whenever I mess up. I already failed so much and God has heard and seen all of it. I need to do something about it.
Do we believe because we want to have someone to save us when we can no longer save ourselves? I believe because I want to. Science should have come from something; something greater than it is. So, I still believe.
However, I want to believe in myself, too. I want to believe that one day I can still save myself from myself.
I may or may not be crying writing this. Must be the lack of sleep. It’s 5am and I think I’m having an attack again. So, I resort to writing this to calm me down.
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