I don’t think you have to live so fiercely all the time —KNJ
A book review should be up tonight but I had an epiphany this morning when I ran some errands. You know when you had these realizations and you can’t wait to write it down and tell the world? Or at least your readers? Yeah? Hear me out ~
How did you start your week? I think I lived my Monday so fiercely. I did not discern it until this morning. I wrote articles after articles after articles, probably just getting 3 hours of sleep at most. It was draining. Why am I doing it when I can slow down?
Today marks the day of my 3rd month of being unemployed. Technically, I am not jobless since I am doing freelance writing, but the projects I got pay less. So, I have to write and write and write to compensate with all the bills I have on my plate. The thing with working at home is that, your family thinks it doesn’t worth much. We grew up in a household where you need to go out, work in the office to be considered yourself working. I know, right? I am feeling a little discouraged but also motivated. Have you felt that way, too? Like, damn they think less of this. I feel shit so I need to prove something. That kind of perspective.
I love that I finished tons of projects. It felt good. I want to keep feeling it. So, here I am living the day fiercely. I want to take advantage of this drive. I want to feel worthy again because it does not last. One day, I’ll have those dark clouds above my head again and I will self-pity, then self-loathing. Does that happen to you as well? When it is all good then all of a sudden it isn’t? Scary, right? You do not know when it will hit you. It knows no time.
So, I’d say live fiercely when you can because at some point, you will stop. You still stop dreaming and feeling motivated. You will stop appreciating your value as a daughter, a sibling, a friend, an individual. It is a cycle. There will always be a downtime. There will always be bad days but do not think that you are weak, incompetent and lacking. That is not true. Anxiety wins. It always does. But, only for a certain time. Panic attacks will constrict your breaths, but only for a moment. You always win. All the time. You are still here. You always manage to control your breathing at some point. That is something. Each teardrop you shed adds to your strength.
When I was in first grade, I got left behind by the school service. Almost everyone has gone home. I stayed in the main entrance with the security guard, and there I waited. I did not cry. Manong Monching (yes, I still remember his name) asked me where I live. I was six. I said I don’t know. Still, I did not cry. When I asked my mother how do I looked like to her when she fetched me, she said I was composed. She said she was expecting to see me bawling my eyes out and throwing tantrums, insisting to go home. Thinking back, I knew why I did not cry. I’ve always known they will pick me up and bring me home.
Now, we can’t expect anyone to save us. No one will pick up our shits for us. It is us alone. The good thing is, we are that strong. When I think of that day again, I realized how strong I was. I know I still am.
We are resilient but sometimes things get too much; it shakes us until we lose our footing. We lose our senses until we forget our strengths.
We are strong. Society just makes us think we are inadequate. Anxiety and depression make us think we are no good. But, we can be so many things. We can be so much more than what we are now. We have lots of potential. We just have to live and see where these paths will lead us.
Live fiercely on the days that you can. It is when you can genuinely say to yourself: “I tried”.
I want to write this while I still feel the positive energy coursing through my veins. I want to write this while I still believe it; while I still have these thoughts.
By the way, it is pretty outside. The flowers have bloomed.
let us bloom again,
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