12월 01일

I woke up feeling hopeful. It felt foreign. I can’t remember the last time I felt this way. I don’t really think about my emotions—why I’m feeling them. Until recently, when the darkness has been too much to grasp; when the universe lost its stars and there’s nothing but a pitch black ocean surrounding me. I tried to look inside myself to see what tugs on my heartstrings.

Why do I feel so indifferent towards Christmas? Most of the times, I don’t know the reasons behind my emotions. I just can’t quite put my finger on it. But, for the sake of my sanity, I will try to break it down and maybe makes sense of it.

  • I didn’t grow up believing in Santa Claus. He shares the limelight with Christ on this season, right? I guess my childhood was stolen from me too soon than most kids.
  • I was hospitalized a week before Christmas. I was 13? I still remember how much money we had to spend on that. I kinda beat myself for it. Like, “if only I didn’t get sick, maybe our Christmas would be more festive”. Now, I want to beat myself more for thinking that way.
  • I am never religious and have always been blasphemous. I questioned Jesus Christ’s birthday ever since I found out that some people don’t believe in Him and in Christmas. Some don’t even celebrate birthdays. I’m not sure when and how I found out that it is very unlikely for the shepherds to watch the flocks on December. Apparently, Judea is cold and rainy during this month. I don’t know much about the Bible. I am such a disgrace to His name. I don’t even know why I am a Catholic. I don’t really believe in its practices.
  • This is the second year I’m having Christmas in a broken home. I don’t think I need to say more.

Those are mainly what I could think of. December reminds me of the days I watched Barbie in the Nutcracker. It is nostalgic. I’m not quite sure if I’m happy or sad. Maybe I am both. Yuletide season gives me a sense of longing for something I can’t name. Ha. Maybe this is why I love Kimi No Na Wa so much. Not in the context of finding someone. Just something or anything.


Do not get me wrong. I love the lights. Those tiny bulbs that look like stardust. I love it. I really do. It gives me a sense of hope and maybe a pigment of happiness, too.


Lovely, right? I even have dreams of fireworks and Auroras quite often. I love them so much.

I love the songs as well. I love the idea of exchanging gifts. That excitement you get when you open a present. Those usual things.

Fun fact: I love the word mistletoe.

I can’t explain any further. Maybe feelings are not always meant to be understood. Maybe they are just there to make you feel alive. Maybe when I get to experience snow, I’ll feel different. I’ve always loved the thought of winter. SNOWFLAKES!! ❄️❄️

I’m really glad the lights are back, though. Hope is back. I just have to keep these stars inside me burning—even not brightly. I don’t want to be a black dwarf. Let us all keep being stellar.

I was supposed to post this on December 1st but obviously I failed. Mnet Asian Music Awards happened. I also tried to finish writing this yesterday but there was Melon Music Award. 축하해요, 방탄소년단!! Then, I had to finish some rewrites before 11PM. AAAAAAH ~ It’s now the 3rd of December, 2:31AM.

Anyway, I’m accepting coffee as a gift. 😛

I hope you are all feeling Christmas-y!!! ☃️🎄


* photos from featured image: December | 1st

* Kimi No Na Wa gif