After months of having this on my drafts, I finally have the missing pieces to complete the thought. I found the answers, if not all, to all my questions. Read on, friends. Let’s walk down this path together ~
“Are you okay?” is what you often hear from people. It is vague. It could mean so much. Is my job okay making me financially well? Do I eat three times a day, if not more, that’s making my body okay? Are my family and friends treating me right that my heart feels warm? Is the weather good, reflecting my mood? This is also the reason why it’s easy to say “I’m fine” because we don’t exactly know what they are asking.
It is on very rare occasions that someone would ask you if you are happy. I won’t forget this phone call I had with my grandmother. That’s the first thing she asked me. “Masaya ka ba?” [Are you happy?] I’ve been asking myself that for years. I kept thinking that I am in the pursuit of Happiness; that it is this Great Perhaps; that it is the key to life. If you’re happy, you’re life should be brighter, right? I used to believe that happiness is indeed a choice; that I should create it instead of looking for it. Like the universe, it is inside me.
Then came a time when Junice asked, “if you choose happiness, are you truly happy?”
Am I? Or I’m just trying to make myself believe that I am? We are so good at tricking our brains after all. Though, jokes on us. Our brain can fuck us up big time to the extent that we can’t even imagine.
I think we have given so much weight on the word. Happiness. We labelled it as something to be fulfilled instead of something to come innate.
Are you really happy or you are just choosing to be happy?
Namjoon gave me the answer: “They say people live to be happy. If you actually think about what happiness is, it’s nothing much. When you get to eat ramen after feeling really really hungry, that’s happiness.”
It’s not like you don’t give much importance to it. It should not be taken for granted. Never. It’s just that, don’t dwell on the thought too much. It’s on the little things that happen everyday. It is both your choice and a natural thing. The sun makes you happy so you are naturally happy when you wake up and see that the rain has stopped. If you had a bad day, it is your choice how to change that vibe. That is how you find your happiness in the things or people you love. You can’t be absolutely happy by nature. You can’t be absolute sad either. The grey area. It balances the black and white. Then you add the colors with your choices.
And from choices come free will.
I hate it when you fail to achieve something, people will say “God has better plans for you”. What if this is what I want and not that “better plan”? Should I just settle for another thing just because I failed in getting the other? That sounds whiny and blasphemous, right? I should trust Him, they say. But really, what if His plans is different from my plans? Should I just follow the “blueprint”? What happens to my free will, then?
A friend told me that, usually, the phrase is just like a consolation. Its purpose is to make you feel better. She said that He really wants us to have the things we personally desire. Hear, hear. Maybe He really knows our hearts.
But then, there are still things we can’t change. No matter how fucked up that sounds, that’s just how life works. Amor Fati. Nietzsche. Love of fate.
I know I said that I hate the fact that there’s already this life “planned out” for us. That we have this “destiny”. Amor Fati is that and not—
As Namjoon has said, he can’t change the fact that he was born in Korea and that he is Korean. That is his fate. Through living, that’s how we get to change a bit of things. He said we can’t change the world but we can change some things. “Let’s make a difference” makes more sense to me now.
I’m in love with the thought. Fate moved by choices. Our lives are not an absolute fate. It is through our choices that lead us to where we want to be. You should only be supposed to be there because you want it there.
I hope these thoughts also shown a light upon you. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me who feel lost like this that I think this way. But, yes, I have found my answer.
By the way, I am happy and not at the same time. I am not absolute sure of things but who is anyway? I’m doing fine. You’re doing fine. Here’s to choosing better choices that hopefully will lead us to our better fate. Nothing is absolute. Except Love. Do not forget to include it in whatever you do.
I have found the best people that share the same desires as my soul and beat the same rhythm as my heart. They fill the void inside my cracks and crevices somehow. I found home in their words as much as I get lost in it. Through them, I got to finish this piece. Though, we still have missing parts, we have come to accept the fact that there will always be these spaces and black holes that are either better left hollow or best to wonder about all throughout the journey. You move backward, you move forward. You go up, you go down. This is how the world keeps its balance. “Where there is hope, there are trials.”
Move your fate,