MAYBE THIS IS WHY I FEEL LOST

All my life, I keep saying I’m lost. I keep saying I don’t know where I’m going; I don’t know who I am or I don’t know who I should be. Society has always been there to tell us what to do; to tell us who to be. Life itself throws shit at us whenever it feels like it. The truth is, I know where I want to go. It’s just that sometimes, the roads are blocked and I’m too dejected to find another path. The truth is, I know who I am. It’s just that sometimes, I’m too afraid to let people see through me because I’m scared they wouldn’t like me for me. I know who I should be; who I want to be.

I realized that I feel lost because I always choose to live inside the books instead of making my own story. I always say it’s my escape from reality. How can I live to the fullest if I keep running away from the life I’m supposed to live?

I have always dreamed of having the freedom of a bird. Not thinking about the danger it actually lives through—a prey. I always thought of soaring high, as if the heights don’t make my knees shake; as if falling doesn’t frighten me a bit. Maybe I feel lost because I always choose to disconnect myself from the Earth. I keep choosing to fly instead of feeling the grass under my feet. I just realized why I have never liked bouquet of flowers. I don’t want them torn out. I want flowers in and with nature—dancing and alive.

Maybe I feel lost because I always like to see the bigger picture from the cloud banks instead of seeing it up close. I realized that flying also means not being able to hear the people; not being able to see them for who and what they are. Our visions got blurry and obscure. Flying means everyone is beneath you, except the colossal universe that is. No matter what, we always have to look up. Maybe I feel lost because I sometimes forget to look above me.

Maybe I will always feel lost because the future is uncertain. Life will always be a big guessing game. Maybe I will always feel lost because I will always be terrified to choose the path I’m going to take.

Maybe I will feel lost again and again, from time to time, but not today. Today, I’m going to walk through life as if I have everything figured out. I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there.

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